The battle – and good sex – is to the strong

Is it still possible to say new things about sex and women? What’s the position of this science today? And is it always reassuring to look into the future?

Bilateral “couragitis”
Does a medical practice have its own heroic age too? What were the first responses to your – still quite unusual – consultations?

7 or 8 years ago my colleagues had thought it to be a very brave undertaking to start working in the field of practical sexology. Who knows what they were thinking about us… :) They congratulated us and they asked questions with curiosity and with great respect. Some of them visited our doctor’s office at the time in Kacsa Street because they wanted to get to know us personally. There were doctors among them too who came to us as patients even from very far away.

And what did you think at first? What are the things that can be contained in such a set of exercises?

As long as we’re afraid of something and we don’t dare approach it, we will never fully understand it – this is logical. But if it’s one’s sexuality that needs to be treated, then what is the proper approach and what is enough…?! Should there be a diagnosis, and should they receive a recipe for good sex?

Let’s look at it from the other side as well. In sex, there is an enormous need for practical knowledge and fast solutions to problems. Nowadays, everyone is trying to become an “expert” in many different areas in order that they may maintain their independence. In one’s private life, this approach would be most highly desirable, and yet very few people attempt to become experts in sex. Let’s face it, they can’t find too much help either. And what kind of help would be most appropriate? Should we just talk? By doing so, we would come full circle, as they say.

Will the future be automatic or inspired?
What has sexology given to women? How far have we come?

From the very beginnings, the practice of female sex has been shrouded in mystery. What’s more, our theoretical knowledge about it has also been incomplete. Keeping one’s virginity is a problem; after that, the problem is that we don’t know how to lose it; and after that there are even more question marks.

Why don’t we receive enough help? Who is it one should turn to – from virginity all the way up to menopause and even beyond?

The view that had still existed 20 or 30 years ago – the one stating that sex should just happen on its own – is completely unacceptable today. A very long time ago, in very distant places, girls and boys had been prepared and trained for sex – in different ways – from a very early age. They had to meet the conventionally accepted requirement. They then gave over the knowledge they’d collected to their children.

In modern times, we are facing problems that stem from lack of preparation. No one cares about the challenges of the modern age and the need to initiate and train men and women who are suitable for the age. One of the inventions of modern age is a scientific approach to sex – but one that does not rely on the old knowledge that had been piled up over the ages. Primarily, sexology used to be a tiny field of psychology, associated with a bizarrely small number of famous names. What courage they, too, must have needed for this!

These blank spots are personally experienced by everyone today, and they seem to be the absurdities of the genetic revolution.  

Is it easier now in vitro than in the vagina?

This is yet another indication that what exists today is not enough: there’s a need for something entirely different. This new need will be impossible to fulfill until we begin to study and come to fully understand sexuality. It won’t be fulfilled as long as practical knowledge is dwarfed by theoretical knowledge and as long as ideas are not formed and developed according to the standards of the age in order to act as a pulling force. For “mature”, adult sex, knowledge in itself is not enough if we fail to reach the stage where we are able, in order to reach successful solutions, to use and enhance people’s curiosity and will. As long as these deficiencies are an obstacle to the profession, we won’t be able to approach our patients and their problems according to their merit.

Beauty or ugliness?
Why aren’t there enough good and proper educational materials? Why is aversion so general?

It’s not only when it comes to personal problems that we are afraid to talk about sexuality: it’s also a general trend, despite the fact that we constantly hear how necessary it is to talk about it. Few people are able to properly describe the essence of something. There isn’t an everyday language that could be used for this. There’s not enough routine and imagination for us to be able to describe the complexity of emotions. We attempt to retell emotional stories using stereotypes and stock phrases. It was a very long time ago that people used elevated language and poetic metaphors. This is not the trend today, since our language and our lives are developing in an entirely different direction. In speaking, describing things, and in films too, our expressions are much more practical and cutting to the chase. But this more practical language is also suitable for the task at hand, and such language can very easily be transmitted.

There are other reasons too. For example, sex and ugliness are intertwined: things that are forbidden are things that are prone to cause hurt and degradation. It is not generally accepted to name certain body parts or bodily functions. It is not in good taste to communicate using too much emotion and to have too much freedom in one’s private life. Some people are also afraid of professionals talking about the subject of sex. So in fact it is not a linguistic problem that we’re facing but rather a problem in our way of thinking.

Sexual future
How much can we project these things on future generations? Will they have the same approach to and knowledge about sex? Or can it be expected that they will throw off their inhibitions and carry things too far? It seems that this is what the old people of every generation are most worried about when it comes to young people. Are they right in this?

I am much more afraid of carrying things too far in a manner that we downgrade sex to the extent that it becomes compulsory for young people. In the past few decades, entirely new trends have emerged in the field of sexology, not only as an answer to new needs but also, partially, as a means of forestalling those needs. The earlier, unsuccessful attempts, which often had nothing to do with sex, have become obsolete in the field of sexology. It is understandable why they did not reap any real results at all. The pharmaceutical industry has made considerable progress as well: chemical solutions to some forms of erectile dysfunction have been found; but there are no such solutions to decreased sexual desire, premature ejaculation, or the various female sexual dysfunctions. This is understandable too, since these are not diseases: it’s all about how a function with biological and social implications is able to preserve its complexity and speed of development. In this, the effect of drugs is all too primitive. It is not technology from which we should be expecting a breakthrough – I hope, both as a specialist and a private individual – but rather from the direct and natural utilization of human sexuality.

Futuristic eroticism
How will all of this happen? What will lead to an eventual breakthrough?

All the changes in the world change us, people, as well. Thinking, emotions, needs, and possibilities all change. This will surely have its effect on sex too, sooner or later; so our sexuality is also constantly undergoing change. In many cases the connections are impossible to pinpoint; in some cases they are evident. For example, the role of women has become more decisive; they have entered new social areas. The values of men have also changed. It is more difficult to maintain this type of masculinity, and for women this present state of femininity. There are a lot more things we need to pay attention to, and there are a lot more connections we need to understand than ever before. These are not just social but biological changes as well. These are new and recent tasks: we must make attempts to grow up in time. This pressing force is what potentially provides the possibility for a breakthrough. All in all, this is a natural and necessary process. If we make the right jump, it will be all the better for us.  

Lingering trivialities
What will happen to the prudery and taboos of old times? With them, will all other earlier annoyances disappear as well?

The things of the past have piled up, and they won’t get sorted out on their own. It’s good to keep in mind that the future generations will inherit all the things we’re unable to solve. Of course, we haven’t exactly been tying ourselves into knots to warn people about the existence and dangers of these problems. Quite the opposite: everyone is pretending as if these problems were new-fangled: the destruction of old values… Therefore the new generations stumble upon the problems by themselves; that is, they find the old questions. And for them they are brand new. And even if they dare ask for answers and solutions, they hardly receive any. Grandmothers, mothers, and grandchildren could all go ahead and talk about their sexual problems together – they would have a perfect understanding. In other areas of life they wouldn’t have such an understanding because they are leading completely different lives. But sex is universal and, so to speak, ageless.

What do our children stumble upon?
How are we supposed to picture this? What are these old things that our children stumble upon by themselves?

Let’s look at a specific example. Why should, for example, a 16-year-old boy and girl who have a frequent(!) sex life fall desperate because of the problem of premature ejaculation and think that there is no hope? Why does the urologist, to whom they turn for help, tell them they should focus on studying instead and turn them away without giving any help? The young girl will have first-hand experience of lack of orgasm and the sufferings of her partner. After this, who should they turn to, what should they discuss, and what should they expect? They will never be able to solve their problems on their own and they will never again turn to anyone for help. But they will have sex: bad sex.

Young people are afraid to admit that they are already sexually active. No one knows how many of them are suffering from sexual problems as early as in their high school years. They aren’t making any money yet. If they’re sick, they can rely on their parents for help. But if they have problems with sex, they have no one to rely on. How can this situation be improved?

Well, in this manner it obviously can’t. Earlier we had a high school program which we all loved very much, but financially we couldn’t keep it up for more than two years. By the way, this age is the best age to get to the root of later sexual/relationship/family/health and other matters. Stress reaches its extreme heights in these young people who are half grown-up. This in itself would be proof enough for our earlier supposition that they struggle with problems, but we have been able to get proof for this too. Still, it gives us a lot of hope that, even while solving the toughest of problems, everything is still new to them. They learn easily; they don’t recognize taboos; they like to exhibit irregular behavior; and they are very good at recognizing that a rule has changed as they went along. All in all, they still have a lot of life and courage in them. In their later life this same type of education would never be so effortless and elegantly successful. Now, with the help of our website, their parents will be able to help them a lot more if they have faith that they will succeed.

Young people are beginners; they haven’t yet collected any experiences that are unsuccessful or unsolved. Later, the situation changes: it becomes harder to ask for and receive help. A lot of them become disappointed in others and in love and they’re unable to see a way out. So the problems pile up. They form their own “wisdom of life” which is pessimistic. They consciously decrease their desires; they no longer wish to lead an interesting life; they prefer a peaceful one. Can they still be hopeful at this stage?

Even at older ages there is a broad scale. To start with, people who are inexperienced or are confused about their sexuality definitely require sexual help; and sometimes even those men and women who are more experienced and have higher expectations in sex need help. This is completely natural: the intimate sphere is not so intimate as to provide protection. Biologically it’s as intimate as, for example, swallowing. We can see that in animals this issue does not receive special attention and is not covert either. It’s not worth it to carry these problems inside us for years and allow them to affect our mood, our work, and our needs. But young beginners, ignorant aged people, and demanding, well-prepared people must all receive something entirely different. All of them must be shown something new in sex, through which they will be able to work toward their personal goals in a pleasurable way and collect new experiences as they make progress. Today, in the field of practical sexology, we’re able to do this; we have reached lots of good results and collected good experiences.